The #1 Mistake People Make When Trying to ‘Calm Down’ (And What to Do Instead)
You know that feeling when you’re overwhelmed, anxious, or tense, and someone tells you to just relax? Or maybe you tell yourself, everything is fine, just calm down, but somehow, that only makes things worse.
If you’ve ever felt like you can’t think your way out of stress, you’re not alone. Most people try to force relaxation by using logic—reminding themselves they’re safe, trying to push anxious thoughts away, or even getting frustrated that they can’t snap out of it. But the truth is, calm isn’t a thought—it’s something your body has to feel.
That’s the big mistake most people make when trying to relax: they try to control their stress from the top down (thoughts first), instead of working with their body from the bottom up.
If your body is still in fight-or-flight mode, your nervous system won’t listen to logic. It needs a different approach.
The Mistake: Trying to ‘Think’ Your Way Out of Stress
When you feel stressed, your body reacts before your mind even has time to catch up. Your brain’s alarm system, the amygdala, sends out signals, triggering your fight-or-flight response before you even realize what’s happening.
The problem? Once your sympathetic nervous system is activated, your thinking brain goes offline. That’s why:
You can know you’re safe but still feel anxious.
You can tell yourself to calm down, but your body won’t listen.
You can try to relax, but it only seems to make you more frustrated.
Your nervous system is designed to prioritize survival, not logic. If your body is still in high alert, no amount of positive thinking will override it. The key isn’t to force relaxation but to help your body feel safe first.
Read More: 7 Reasons Why You Are Stuck In Survival Mode
What to Do Instead: Shake It Off (Literally)
Instead of trying to relax with your mind, start with your body. This is called bottom-up regulation—using body-based techniques to shift your state before trying to engage your thoughts.
One of the simplest ways to do this is shaking. It might sound strange, but shaking is one of the body’s natural ways to release stress. Think about how animals shake after a stressful event—this instinctive movement helps reset the nervous system. Humans, on the other hand, tend to hold on to stress, letting it build up in our bodies.
Try This: Full-Body Shake to Release Stress
Stand up with your feet about hip-width apart.
Let your knees bend slightly and start bouncing gently.
Let your arms hang loose and begin shaking them, then move to your shoulders, legs, and whole body.
If it feels natural, sigh deeply or hum while shaking.
Shake for about one to two minutes, then stop and take a deep breath. Notice how your body feels.
Shaking helps release built-up tension, signals to your body that it’s safe, and lets your nervous system discharge stored stress.
Read More: Using Your Body to Calm Your Stress Response
Small Steps Lead to Big Change
Your nervous system isn’t something you can control with willpower, but you can teach it a new way to respond to stress. The more you practice body-based regulation, the easier it becomes to shift out of survival mode.
You don’t have to fight your way to calm. You can gently guide your body there—one small step at a time.
If you’re looking for more support, we have a community dedicating to helping you learn how to heal and regulate your nervous system below.